breaking the habit

it wasn't easy to quit. and it's not easy to stick to. it just has to be. there's no option of having just one here and there. it's over. done. behind me. i am now a nonsmoker.

it started with me hacking and coughing up brown things in the morning. then it started happening in the afternoon. then the evening. and before i knew what had happened, i would go all day hacking up this disgusting, thick brown snot-like substance. it was horrible. i also went from smoking a few cigs a day to a pack a day, and a little more.

when did i became so dependant on this drug?? and that's what it is. don't let anyone fool you. if it can get you addicted - it's a drug. but when did it happen? i used to be able to go days on end without having one or thinking about one. i was able to take it or leave it.

i quit numerous times before, cold turkey, and went months without it. so why - in the past year - did i start smoking more and more, and find it harder and harder to say no??? i don't know. i don't have an answer for that.

but when i joined choosing2lose (thanks mandy) and met my current friends nika, heather, rob, and many others, i wanted to change my life. i wanted to take back what belonged to me and claim the life that, up until september, i was giving up on without realizing it.

over the next month i tried and tried to quit smoking and lose weight - and failed at both. then mandy decided to close choosing2lose and i felt lost. thankfully, heather and rob came to the rescue and created no time to weight.

big sigh of relief. but i still struggled with my weight and smoking and drinking. i'd go up and down, over and over the next few months. it wouldn't be until dec 6 that i decided that my life was far too important for me to give up on. i smoked the last of my cigs (because at $8 a pack i wasn't throwing it out!!!) and have been smoke free since then.

yes i've struggled. i found a pack in my car a few days after i swore no more smoking. and i put one in my mouth but i never lit it. no. instead i broke up all the cancer sticks in the back and got on with my new life.

still struggling with drinking and eating, but if i can conquer quitting smoking, well then i can take on the whole effing world and finally reclaim my entire life.